2020 in a nutshell

This year has been crazy. So much stress. So much love. I can't say 2020 was horrible though it was insane. I married my love this year. Got to visit some places, struggled with the effects of the pandemic, loss, and got married.

We got to visit southern California a month or 2 before the pandemic hit. Not much went the way we planned but just being with Josh made it so fun. 

I got to meet Josh's kids too that same month. They were incredibly cute and looked a lot like him. I had fun playing with his son at the park nearby. 

In march my mom got sealed. It was a great day. I remember having so much fun.

About a week before shutdown, Josh asked me to marry him. I had suspected it because he seemed nervous the whole day. I also noticed he kept putting his hand in his pocket. It was sweet, intimate, and perfect. It was about me and him only. 

Josh lost a family member which was incredibly heart breaking. I remember crying at work and my shift supervisor gave me a hug. 

One struggle of 2020 was the shutdown. It hurt a lot of people, myself included. I was grateful that I got through it alright. 

I used my stimulus to buy my wedding dress and Josh's wedding ring then I saved the rest. 

My wedding day was the happiest day of my life. The best part was being sealed in the temple to my love. We both cried. We weren't sure if we could be sealed initially because we had to wait for some papers to go through. They went through just in time and we got things sorted so quickly. Everything fell into place. It truly was a blessing. 

We had a beautiful ring ceremony that evening and had our family and friends there. We did have to limit it because of COVID but it was still wonderful.

We couldn't go where we wanted on our honeymoon because of COVID. The wind where we camped was insane. There were a couple rough parts (wind related) but it was great overall. We saw some gorgeous sites, ate some yummy food, and got sand everywhere. I didn't even sunburn. 

I feel like we recieve different trials throughout the rest of 2020. From our car breaking down to my mom getting COVID to letting my anxiety and depression take over for a few weeks. I am incredibly grateful for my husband through those times. Though he didn't understand me 100%, he was there to listen to me, and let me cry on him. He was an amazing support. I figured out some of the reasons my mental health had gone down and was able to help myself again.

The holidays were pretty great. We decorated for Halloween and then Christmas. I felt blessed that we could celebrate the way we wanted to. 

For Christmas we drove out to see my mom. It was so nice. I got to meet my sweet stepsister which was amazing. We go to see some pretty sites and experience warmer weather and the SUN. I missed the sun so much. It was nice to return to our normal lives after but I still kind of miss the vacation. 

-Emily C

Adam Went Home pt 4

It's been over two years but I saw that I started writing this blog post and felt that I should finish it:

 I don’t think I could process everything that happened. 
The next day Adam was taken off of the sedative and had the breathing tube removed. It was good. He started responding to his name by opening his eyes. I kept saying his name over and over again because I was so thrilled that he responded, even if he wasn't saying or communicating anything. 

The doctors said they didn't know if he would have any permanent brain damage from everything. At that point I was just glad that Adam was alive and felt that I would be okay if that were the case. He was all confused and delusional when he woke up more. I remember he kept calling the tubes movies. It made me a happy to hear him name something he loved so much. It showed me that Adam was coming back. At one point he asked why there was a monkey in the room and pointed at where he was seeing it. He talked to my mom about how big the sandwich she was eating was. She was definitely not eating a sandwich.

When the doctors tried asking Adam questions by himself later he asked for me rather than mom even though my mom knows Adam's medical history way better than I do. I realized then that I really was his favorite person. He had told me that before but I felt more true then ever. When he was asked who he wanted to stay the night with him he wanted me to. 

Eventually Adam came home. 

Adam is still one of my favorite people. I'm still so grateful that he's alive. I love him so much. 

-Emily

Moved To ICU pt 3

Anxiety level: through the roof

Adam was taken to ICU and was only allowed 2 visitors at a time; the room was much smaller. He stayed about the the same for a long time then his liver started getting a little better. I didn’t really want to leave Adam but I needed some sleep and I needed to separate my self for just a little bit. Going home made is feel a little more real. My friend Jenny picked me up because I didn’t want to be alone and brought me Panda Express. We ended up giving it to my mom and going back to get more. It was really nice to have friends for support. I texted my friend Paloma too and asked her to bring my other friend Stella if she could. I met Jenny’s cat Ollie and he was amazing. He made the same expressions as my Sephora but loved pets like Bucky. We met Paloma and Stella at my place. It was really nice to be distracted for a while but my heart hurt every time I thought about Adam. Stella was able to stay the night with me and slept in my moms bed. We played video games until pretty late. I didn’t think I would be able to sleep but the game I was playing on my phone distracted me just enough to let me sleep. I am really grateful for my friends. If you’re reading this, thank you.

Waiting pt 2

Anxiety Level: Still No Words
After Adam’s friends came we were able to get him a blessing. It was really nice. My mother and I got one too. It was really comforting. They tested for all the most common overdoes medicines and we waited. The doctor said that they don’t have a antidotes for a lot of medicine and that his liver and kidneys would just have to get rid of whatever he took. We waited. Quite a while later they came back with the test results and they some kind of Tricyclic in his system but they didn’t know which one. Nothing else showed up.
He was going to be moved to ICU soon so we talked to the ICU doctor, he said that he his liver was in bad shape as if he overdosed on Tylenol. It was possible that he took something a few days ago and that it’s not showing up until now. I didn’t think so since me and Adam had a lot of fun on Saturday and he bought and ton of comics and had me order a graphic novel for him.
We went to my dads house to look through all of the medicine in the house and brought it to the hospital to show the the doctor all the ones we could find. We got back with all the medicine and we waited.
They took him up to ICU to set up and we waited.

He’s in Critical Condition pt 1

Anxiety Level: No words.

Yesterday my dad went to wake my brother up for work and he wouldn’t get up. My dad tried pouring cold water on him and nothing but he was breathing. He was rushed to the hospital.
I answered a call from my mom at 8:08 am telling me what had happened. I was in shock. I got up and went through the motions but it didn’t feel real. My mom was visually upset and crying while I was just there. We waited for a while and I was really anxious.
The doctors let us in to ask us the medicines he had access to. We talked about how he had depression and had a fight with my dad the night before. We were told that it looked like an overdose and that gag reflex didn’t work so the doctors were afraid he was going to choke; he had a tube put down his throat so that he wouldn’t. We had to go back out to the waiting room.
We waited for a while and I was still just not there. We were finally let in and the doctor explained everything again and said that he is in critical condition. He also said that when they talk about someone being on life support, this is what they mean. The breathing tube.
The doctor left and the was in and out I asked him to wake up and the nurse said he couldn’t wake up,  he was in a medically induced coma. 5 or 10 minutes later it hit me, I told him that I needed him and kept asking over and over “Why didn’t you call me??” I was sobbing it. I would go into sobbing fits and then stop. I remember I really had to pee. I was trying to get into his phone to see if he googled anything but I didn’t know the passcode. I thought I did at first until I realized he had a 6 digit passcode. I was going to try to start and 1 and try to guess the last 2 numbers. Then the whole passcode was just in my head. I tried it and it worked. It was amazing. I didn’t find anything on his phone but I was able to message his friends. They all came immediately.
It was nice to have so many people around that loved Adam. It helped me feel better.

Laura Martinez and more depression

Anxiety Level: High
I was called by my old roommate’s boyfriend about a router that someone accidentally packed. He is 17 years old and she is 19. Or maybe he’s 18 and she’s 20 now. I don’t know for sure. They way they met was creepy. He was a client at the place where she worked. Apparently they didn’t overlap for long but I don’t really know for sure. I was okay with that before I realized that her work was either for teens with mental illnesses or addictions or maybe troubled teens; I just know it’s mental health related. I was troubled by it after that. Anyways...

I was supposed to send the router I while back but I didn’t have any money and my brain didn’t prioritize it anyways. He told me to get a job and pay for it, I was sarcastic back with him and said “Ok, I’ll get a job, but it’ll be a few weeks before I’ll get any money for it.” He said he didn’t care if I had to mow someone’s lawn to get $20. But I don’t really know about that... I mean there’s snow on the ground. He also said to ask my parents since they pay for everything else. That stung. I’m trying to work on building confidence in myself even though I can’t do what other people can do, like work. Usually I would say “what normal people can do”... but no more. I told him toward the beginning of the conversation that I would send it. I also said I didn’t care that much. Laura Martinez hurt me so bad that I almost killed myself, there were other things involved but she was a huge part of that. I have a lot of spite built up for her because of it. It hurts even thinking about it. She used to be nice until she wanted me to get rid of one of my cats so she can get a dog but I refused to obviously. After that she was really mean. I tried to sound amused while on the phone with Daniel. I had already told him I’d send it but he kept going off at me. I guess I was a little amused since he was so effected by everything I said. He asked why I was laughing (I wasn’t actually laughing though), and kept going off on me.  At some point I called Laura a bitch, he was pissed. I kept saying it over and over because I was so angry and it felt good to say at the time. Eventually he hung up on me, which is kind of what I wanted. I had so much spite and I knew it’d be hard to stop. I feel bad now. I don’t get angry very easily. I’m normally a really patient person, but a few things set me off. I have a strong sense of justice. When someone has really really wronged me like Laura Martinez, I get passionate. When I’m passionate, I can get actually angry.

I called tds and they are sending me a box to send the router back it for free. It’ll be here in a few days. Besides all of this, I am really struggling. My grandma is moving to St. Louis and I’m broken up about it. I love her so much and I originally was going to move up here to be closer to her. She said it’s hard to be here with my parents getting divorced. She’s broken-hearted. The divorce has been hard on me too because of the things involved. I’m hurting really bad. I’ve been so depressed. I’ve just been randomly crying. Sometimes I don’t even know what I’m crying about. I’m just really hurting. My anxiety is getting worse too. I have a whole new amount of anxiety when I have a job but right now I feel like I have that same higher level even though I don’t have a job. This really sucks. I just want it to stop.

I saw my grandma and some cousins the other day and I felt like I was just existing while everyone was joking around. I faked some smiles and had a few genuine ones too. I almost started crying when I hugged my grandma. I’m gonna miss her so much. She’s part of my strength. I’m glad I can at least call her. I’m crying again. I want to go back to just existing but I know this is good for me. I hope it’ll help me feel better later. I know journaling can be therapeutic and that’s basically what I’m doing. My head it starting to hurt. That’s what usually happens when I crying really hard.

I called Laura’s phone back and apologized for being rude just after I called tds. I also told her how they’re sending me a box and all of that. She didn’t say she forgave me but at least she thanked me. I have so much spite for her but I still felt bad about being rude. I try to be forgiving but it’s really hard when someone has hurt you so bad. That’s why I have a hate list of exactly 4 people. They have all done things that have effected be in a really bad way and still effect me now. I believe I can forgive them someday, it’s just really hard to. I’ll keep working on it. I’m not crying anymore but my eyes hurt.
I guess that’s it.
-Emily

Eviction

Anxiety level: High

Yeah, we got an eviction notice. I’m tired of this stuff. I’m going to be moving in with my mom. I’m worried that I won’t be able to separate myself from all the problems here. That is part of why I moved away. I don’t know what to do. I can’t handle being awake right now. I’ve been really depressed since I got the notice and anxious. I’ve been trying to shake it off but it doesn’t really work that way. I think I’m gonna go to sleep because I don’t know what else to do. I am tired but I did sleep a decent amount last night. I’m so upset about the eviction. What if I can’t find another place to move into later because of it?? I’m freaking out but I’m also kind of numb. This is the worst. I really can’t handle it. I need to go to sleep. Yeah, I’m gonna pet my cats and go to sleep.