Friday, July 31, 2015

The point of the blog/just a day in the life

So I'm not sure if I'm going to make this blog like a daily thing or not but here I am again today. I'm safely back in my home state. My family really stresses me out but at the same time I can totally chill with them too. I love them all so much. I missed my cats too and my little brother's cat. I am definitely a cat person. Dogs aren't as cuddly and they are gross and hyper. 

Stress level today: Medium

I think that my friend really really stresses me out. And get this. My uncle literally told me today to just stop stressing out, I just thought it was funny since I wrote about it yesterday. As soon as I got in my little brother was saying how I needed to clean the liter box since he's been taking care of my cats. The liter box was super gross too and I did not want to do it. The deal is that if he can take care of all the cats, he can keep his. When I lived at home I was almost always the one taking care of them and he almost got his taken away after many chances and this is his absolute last chance. 
One of my cats is in hiding. She is really shy and scared all the time. A big part of me hopes that she didn't get outside and is lost or got hit or something terrible. I looked all over the house but my family said that she has a lot of hiding places that they didn't know about and that this was normal. I still can't get rid of that worry that she's lost or gone. I said a prayer so I hope she'll be okay. They told me that she comes out eventually. 

Something I have decided is that this is first a foremost going to be a blog about my anxiety. I'll probably through a geeky thing in here and there. Bye-bye for now!

Thursday, July 30, 2015

Anxiety is like a Dalek AKA it sucks

So here is my second post. I'm going to try to not worry about grammar and sounding like I'm a good writer because that defeats the purpose of this blog. No worries. If you don't watch 

 A shot from Doctor Who of a painting of the Time War
entitled "Gallifrey Falls" or "No More"
(Season 7 Episode 15)
It's like the time war in Doctor Who. It is absolute chaos; My rational thoughts are like the Time Lords and the irrational thoughts are the Daleks. I literally feel like "No More" or even "Emily Falls". My brain feels like it is running a million miles a minute, is the color black, and is in tangles. It's like chaos going on inside my head. The problem is, no one can see it. All I can say is "I'm freaking out" or "I'm having anxiety" and people just don't get it.

People will say things like:
"Calm down."
"I don't get why you're having anxiety."
"There is nothing to freak out about."
"Why are you having anxiety?"
"It'll be okay, just do it."
"Just stop having anxiety".

It doesn't work like that. Anxiety is an absolute Dalek. Do people think I like being anxious? If I could fix my self I could. I read an article recently about anxiety that said something like... Don't tell us our anxieties aren't real, it makes us feel like we are broken... Broken. That is a perfect word to describe it. It's like there is something wrong with me that I can't fix. I am broken. When someone challenges my anxieties, or minimize it I always think... Yeah I should be able to stop, but I can't. What the heck is wrong with me?... 

When you feel like there is something wrong with you it makes you depressed. This happens to me a lot. It's like a cycle. When I am feeling anxious about something and someone pretty much tells me to suck it up, I feel like I can't, I feel hopeless, I feel like there is something wrong with me and that makes me sad and depressed. The depression leads to me not wanting to leave or go anywhere and then my friends will be mad or disappointed in me for not wanting to hang out.

When I get to this point I usually binge watch Netflix and it's usually Doctor Who that I watch. Matt Smith is my favorite Doctor by far. He is so funny and his personality is similar to mine when I act normal. I get so lost in the story and laugh at the silliness and it just makes me so happy and makes me feel hopeful again. What helps the most with Doctor Who is when I relate it to my real life or at least make references to it. I'll definitely wish that the Doctor could take me away in the TARDIS to give me extra time to do my homework; he could take me away to the most peaceful place in the universe, no matter what he would make sure that I was okay. This is why when people insult my geeky obsessions I get so offended, because it helps me so much.

Even writing about Doctor Who is making me happier.

An Introduction

Hello to anyone out there that actually reads this. I'm starting this blog as a way to cope with my anxiety and explain how all of my geeky loves help me. First of all, I am a college student. I am about to start my fourth year in school (although in credits I would just be starting my junior year). I have had a lot of medical issues that have made me medical withdraw from school. Maybe I'll mention those more in depth later.

My geeky passions are: Harry Potter, Captain America, Doctor Who, Supernatural, Comic books, video games, I might be forgetting some. 

Anyways guys if you do read this please please comment. It's nice to know that someone is listening and can relate to my anxiety because right now I feel so alone in it.