Friday, September 25, 2015

Comic Con and an Accident

Anxiety Level: As high as Superman can fly. 

So these past two days have been comic con and its been amazing. It's soul crushing that I won't be able to see Chris Evans, also Hayley Atwell and Anthony Mackie. I wasn't able to afford any kind of photo op or autograph and I don't get to see the panel tomorrow. I feel like I had a lot of wasted excitement. It's still awesome that they all came though, it gives me hope for another chance someday. I DID get to see Sebastian Stan today though. I went to the Sean Astin panel and it was super awesome. Since Sebastian Stan was right after Sean I got a great seat to see him! I loved it. So much. I fan girled so hard, I definitely hyperventilated a little bit and I screamed my head off (at the appropriate moments of course). It was an AMAZING experience. I got to see my favorite twins ever yesterday too!! It was fantastic!!! There are really no words to describe my excitement and happiness during those panels and I was pretty hyped up afterwards too. I'm all hyped up now but in a different way and for a different reason. 
After Comic Con I witnessed something terrible. A trax accident with a car. It was terrifying. A Jeep ran a red light and as soon as I saw the trax coming I knew that it wasn't going to make it through the intersection. Sparks flew from the point where the front of the trax hit the back of the jeep. I watched as the rear of the car swing around clockwise from the impact, The car disappeared from sight as the train came to a stop. At first I was just shocked, if I could've see myself from the outside I would bet that my mouth was hanging wide open, it was like everything stopped and time had slowed. After the initial shock I was really worried and I immediately said that we needed to call 911. My phone was at 1% battery so I suggested, more like ordered, that my friend use his phone. He dialed quickly and handed the phone to my mom. I still called on my phone but hung up as soon as my mom got in contact. She was the first one to contact. We were stopped at the red light that the car had ran and I just stayed there. My mom had been driving and she hopped out to see if they were okay. She told me to get in the drivers seat while she checked it out. The UTA police were quick. One was there within a minute or two. Since we were on the opposite side of the Trax, I didn't know what was going on with the car, I wanted to run and see if I could help somehow but my mom had already done that. I really wanted to know if the people were okay. I had no idea what to do so I just stayed in that spot on the road for what felt like forever. Another police car came up eventually and told us to turn right and we went around to the other side of the Trax and I got my mom. She said that they were all ok and that there was a baby in the back seat but that the car seat was on the opposite side that was hit. I was so glad that everyone is okay but I'm still shaken up. 

Well that was my day. 

Sunday, September 20, 2015

Things Are Looking Up, Comic Con, and Depression

Anxiety Level: Medium

I finally have a place to live!! My family has been helping me out a lot. My dad told me a few days after my panic attacks post that he had a feeling that things would start looking up very soon. He was right. We secured the place I'm living at now, my grandma is selling me her Van (I will be making payments), I finally have health insurance, and I got a call for a job interview at a place I really wanted to work (mostly for experience).
This past week I've had the interview on Wednesday and today I got a call and they offered me the job. I immediately accepted. When they interviewed me I made sure 100% that they knew that I couldn't miss Salt Lake Comic Con. So I'm starting a week later than I would otherwise but it is so totally beyond worth it. I actually got a call for an interview at another place that would've started the Monday before Comic Con, they informed me that I could not miss any training and I told them that I needed the 24th-25th off but they said I couldn't do that and offered to start me later... Later as in November. I ain't about that business. I pretty much said okay whatever because there is no way in heaven, hell, purgatory, you name it, that I'm going to miss Comic Con (seeing as it's the highlight of my entire year). If things work out and I get to see all my beloved Captain America characters, win a photo op, and get to go to the Cap and Falcon panel, this Comic Con would be the highlight of my life, the whole 20 years that I have lived. I'm trying not to get my hopes up because I know it probably won't happen, but I still have a little possibility flame inside of me saying... "What if it did happen?"

As much as I'm looking forward to Salt Lake Comic Con, I have been feeling depression sneaking up on me. I feel like I have no purpose right now, I feel like I'm a burden to everyone around me. It's also terrible to not have a place to sit. I also still feel the sting of a fairly recent betrayal my a former close friend. It hurts when you trust someone so much and you think you know them but then they take advantage and lie to you. This makes me question everything about this person. Is everything about her fake? Did she really come here to try to be a better person like she says?... (Continued in RANT)

RANT: Last I checked stealing is worse than drinking. She said she's left her hometown so she won't be tempted to do certain things, drinking being near the top of the list, but what she did to me is so much worse so what's up with that? At least drinking mainly effects the person drinking. Whereas not giving someone their money back when they desperately need it so you can go on vacation can completely screw up someone's life. Never mind me needing to survive as long as you're enjoying your vacation. It really is SO irresponsible AND immature to spend money you don't have, especially on things you don't need to survive. I, myself have recently come to understand this on a deeper level. 

So thing whole factor with my ex friend has cause me so much anxiety and sadness! Sad about the betrayal, anxious about the homelessness/can barely afford to eat thing. I think another part of my depression is how useless I feel. Seriously a lot of times my anxiety makes me feel disabled. Thanks for reading. 

Thursday, September 3, 2015

An anxiety attack is like... It's the worst!

Anxiety Level today: Very high

Today I started freaking out because I had no place to stay. I was going to try to leave religion out of the blog but I still wanna share this experience. 

A few days ago my bishop called me. He said that he had been thinking about me lately and wanted to know how I was doing and if there was anything I needed. I explained to him my tough situation but that I had a place to stay the next couple nights. He asked if there was anything I that he could do for me right then. I told him I was okay for the moment. He said if I ever needed anything at all to call him 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. He asked if he could call in a few days to check on me. I said that would be great. Today I had to leave my friends grandparents house because they were going out of town and they were going to have family coming in and out of their house. So we got up at like 7 and helped change the sheets and got all of our stuff. We were gone by 9. We went to the Library like we have been and I finished the first Princess Diaries book and I just barely finished the second. While at the library it was getting later and later and I was getting no where with trying to find a place to live. That is when I started freaking out. Here is a text conversation I had with my mom. 

This was me during my anxiety attack. I have a prescription that I only use when I have "significant anxiety flare ups" I can take up to 2 a day but no more than 5 in a week. It can be very addicting. I took it and like 20 minutes later I felt better. So I went back to reading then it got much later and I started freaking out again. The library was closing in less than an hour. I called my mom and I told her my fears she told me to call my bishop. I started freaking out just thinking about it. What if he says he can't do anything? What if he's busy? What if he doesn't want to help? What if he ignores my call? 
I know that some of these thoughts are irrational but I can't shake the feeling that something is going to go wrong. My mom eventually said she'd call him. I didn't want her to because what if he thinks I'm just a child that needs my mom to do things for me. I was against it at first but I knew that he needed to be called so I tried not to think while I sent my mom his number. He called me back and asked what he could do for me. I told him how I wasn't quite old enough to check into a hotel and asked if he knew of anywhere that I could stay. He asked if I had the cats because I had mentioned them a few days before. I said no and he said he'd call me back in a few minutes. Five minutes later he called and said to come to a specific hotel and that he got us a room. I was so grateful that I started crying. I was praying so hard that day that things would be okay and they were. I'm in the hotel room now. My little brother is reading my blog as I am typing this. He mentioned a typo here and there which I will probably be fixing. For the record, I only have one brother. He is awesome. I really wanna read the Captain America civil war comics, not because of the movie, but because it's what comes next in the Vol 5 that I'm reading. I tried ordering the graphic novel on Amazon a while back but it was out of stock. I guess I'll half to wait. Cap makes me so happy I love him so much and I also love Chris Evans. I really hope I can meet him. Hi Adam! That's all folks!


Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Cap is Coming!!

So Chris Evans aka Captain America is coming to the greatest Comic con in the world! Captain America is my number 1 favorite comic and superhero by far! I have 94 cap comics and 3 graphic novels! Chris Evans seriously made me fall in love with Cap. He is an amazing actor and the only one that can ever play Captain America. Not to mention he's gorgeous! Guess who else is coming to Salt Lake Comic Con... Sebastian Stan!! I love him as Bucky, he does an awesome job becoming the Winter Soldier! Bucky is tied for second place as my favorite Captain America character. It goes:
1. Steve Rogers
2. Peggy Carter and Bucky Barnes
3. Sharon Carter

Hayley Atwell is an unconfirmed guest but she'd better come. All three of them would be a freaking dream come true. 

Anyways that's great news to start with. The best news actually. My anxiety is really high right now. I've been homeless since the 26th of Jul but I've always had a place to stay. For that I am very grateful. I'm back in Cedar with my little brother and we've been staying with my friends grandparents, before that we were at my old roommates house sharing a twin sized bed. Here I share a freaking huge bed with my friend and my brother gets a queen sized water mattress to himself. I'm still kind of freaking out about all of my stuff. I'm so excited to have a place to call home again! I'm desperately looking for a job and so is my brother. I hope it won't be long now. Tonight is the last night that I can stay here. I really hope we get a place tomorrow. Wish me luck, anyone that's reading this. It's been a rough couple of months but it's so close to being over. If Steve Rogers can be brave for America, then I can be brave for myself!