Sunday, October 4, 2015

Tragedy in Cedar City

Anxiety Level: Medium

I first want to say that I do not have all of the facts. Here is what I know for sure:
1. She went missing that day. 
2. Someone found her car up Cedar Canyon. 
3. They found her dead. 

Here is what I've heard but that I cannot verify:
1. There was a note found in the car. 

Now I know I few things about her because I was her roommate but I will not go into detail. Privacy is very important. I don't know the facts surrounding her death but the stigma surronding suicide is still important to talk about. 

I do want to say a few things about Kimber though because she was an amazing human being. 

I did not know her very well but we got along great. She used to draw and she showed me a few of her sketches and I thought they were fantastic. She was witty and goofy, which was awesome. She moved into the house after her grandmother died. She used to tell me stories about her grandma and she always used her "grandma voice", it was funny. She was great to be around. I know that she was a musician too and though I only ever heard her online, she was really talented. Even though we didn't keep in touch after she moved out, I still wondered about her every once in a while. I sometimes asked my good friend Kali about her because they were cousins. I know that she is missed by so many, including me. She really was a wonderful person. I'm keeping her family in my prayers.


P.S. Mental illness is not a joke. 

Saturday, October 3, 2015

New job, Fitness, and Comics

Stress level: Medium

The past couple of days have been stressful but I absolutely love my new job. It is SO awesome. That's where I am right now. I am on my break. I'm working with mentally ill people that are transitioning from being in the hospital to being on their own. I can't say much about the clients, obviously, so I'll leave it at that. 
I'm stressing about my brother finding a job because I cannot provide for him and myself, it just doesn't work. I'm desperately looking for a second job so that I can get along better. 
My coworkers are really cool. We are all pretty mature and can have awesome discussions without offending each other. Too many people get too intense about things so I'm glad I work with chill people. I've only met a few so far but I'm hoping that everyone else is just as cool. 

I read Ultimate Captain America and it was awesome once I was able to put myself in the mindset of the ultimate universe instead of the normal one. I'm probably going to read Marvel Zombies next or maybe Ultimate Avengers. 

So things are pretty good but I still have this underlying stress that is kind of like a weight on a subconscious level. Even when I'm not thinking about it, I can still feel it. I hope that makes sense. I pretty much always feel that way, but sometimes it's worse, like now. 

Last night I exercised and something weird happened... I liked it. How weird is that? Today I am excited to go home so that I can exercise more. It's like it can feel myself getting stronger. I'm doing a 30 day challenge on Wii Fit Active. It is just so cool. Maybe I just had to find the right kind of exercise. The thing with Wii Fit Active is that it tells you in detail what to do and it tells you if you are doing it wrong. I just love it. 
Anyways guys! I'm going to read comics now. I promise to update soon!


Friday, September 25, 2015

Comic Con and an Accident

Anxiety Level: As high as Superman can fly. 

So these past two days have been comic con and its been amazing. It's soul crushing that I won't be able to see Chris Evans, also Hayley Atwell and Anthony Mackie. I wasn't able to afford any kind of photo op or autograph and I don't get to see the panel tomorrow. I feel like I had a lot of wasted excitement. It's still awesome that they all came though, it gives me hope for another chance someday. I DID get to see Sebastian Stan today though. I went to the Sean Astin panel and it was super awesome. Since Sebastian Stan was right after Sean I got a great seat to see him! I loved it. So much. I fan girled so hard, I definitely hyperventilated a little bit and I screamed my head off (at the appropriate moments of course). It was an AMAZING experience. I got to see my favorite twins ever yesterday too!! It was fantastic!!! There are really no words to describe my excitement and happiness during those panels and I was pretty hyped up afterwards too. I'm all hyped up now but in a different way and for a different reason. 
After Comic Con I witnessed something terrible. A trax accident with a car. It was terrifying. A Jeep ran a red light and as soon as I saw the trax coming I knew that it wasn't going to make it through the intersection. Sparks flew from the point where the front of the trax hit the back of the jeep. I watched as the rear of the car swing around clockwise from the impact, The car disappeared from sight as the train came to a stop. At first I was just shocked, if I could've see myself from the outside I would bet that my mouth was hanging wide open, it was like everything stopped and time had slowed. After the initial shock I was really worried and I immediately said that we needed to call 911. My phone was at 1% battery so I suggested, more like ordered, that my friend use his phone. He dialed quickly and handed the phone to my mom. I still called on my phone but hung up as soon as my mom got in contact. She was the first one to contact. We were stopped at the red light that the car had ran and I just stayed there. My mom had been driving and she hopped out to see if they were okay. She told me to get in the drivers seat while she checked it out. The UTA police were quick. One was there within a minute or two. Since we were on the opposite side of the Trax, I didn't know what was going on with the car, I wanted to run and see if I could help somehow but my mom had already done that. I really wanted to know if the people were okay. I had no idea what to do so I just stayed in that spot on the road for what felt like forever. Another police car came up eventually and told us to turn right and we went around to the other side of the Trax and I got my mom. She said that they were all ok and that there was a baby in the back seat but that the car seat was on the opposite side that was hit. I was so glad that everyone is okay but I'm still shaken up. 

Well that was my day. 

Sunday, September 20, 2015

Things Are Looking Up, Comic Con, and Depression

Anxiety Level: Medium

I finally have a place to live!! My family has been helping me out a lot. My dad told me a few days after my panic attacks post that he had a feeling that things would start looking up very soon. He was right. We secured the place I'm living at now, my grandma is selling me her Van (I will be making payments), I finally have health insurance, and I got a call for a job interview at a place I really wanted to work (mostly for experience).
This past week I've had the interview on Wednesday and today I got a call and they offered me the job. I immediately accepted. When they interviewed me I made sure 100% that they knew that I couldn't miss Salt Lake Comic Con. So I'm starting a week later than I would otherwise but it is so totally beyond worth it. I actually got a call for an interview at another place that would've started the Monday before Comic Con, they informed me that I could not miss any training and I told them that I needed the 24th-25th off but they said I couldn't do that and offered to start me later... Later as in November. I ain't about that business. I pretty much said okay whatever because there is no way in heaven, hell, purgatory, you name it, that I'm going to miss Comic Con (seeing as it's the highlight of my entire year). If things work out and I get to see all my beloved Captain America characters, win a photo op, and get to go to the Cap and Falcon panel, this Comic Con would be the highlight of my life, the whole 20 years that I have lived. I'm trying not to get my hopes up because I know it probably won't happen, but I still have a little possibility flame inside of me saying... "What if it did happen?"

As much as I'm looking forward to Salt Lake Comic Con, I have been feeling depression sneaking up on me. I feel like I have no purpose right now, I feel like I'm a burden to everyone around me. It's also terrible to not have a place to sit. I also still feel the sting of a fairly recent betrayal my a former close friend. It hurts when you trust someone so much and you think you know them but then they take advantage and lie to you. This makes me question everything about this person. Is everything about her fake? Did she really come here to try to be a better person like she says?... (Continued in RANT)

RANT: Last I checked stealing is worse than drinking. She said she's left her hometown so she won't be tempted to do certain things, drinking being near the top of the list, but what she did to me is so much worse so what's up with that? At least drinking mainly effects the person drinking. Whereas not giving someone their money back when they desperately need it so you can go on vacation can completely screw up someone's life. Never mind me needing to survive as long as you're enjoying your vacation. It really is SO irresponsible AND immature to spend money you don't have, especially on things you don't need to survive. I, myself have recently come to understand this on a deeper level. 

So thing whole factor with my ex friend has cause me so much anxiety and sadness! Sad about the betrayal, anxious about the homelessness/can barely afford to eat thing. I think another part of my depression is how useless I feel. Seriously a lot of times my anxiety makes me feel disabled. Thanks for reading. 

Thursday, September 3, 2015

An anxiety attack is like... It's the worst!

Anxiety Level today: Very high

Today I started freaking out because I had no place to stay. I was going to try to leave religion out of the blog but I still wanna share this experience. 

A few days ago my bishop called me. He said that he had been thinking about me lately and wanted to know how I was doing and if there was anything I needed. I explained to him my tough situation but that I had a place to stay the next couple nights. He asked if there was anything I that he could do for me right then. I told him I was okay for the moment. He said if I ever needed anything at all to call him 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. He asked if he could call in a few days to check on me. I said that would be great. Today I had to leave my friends grandparents house because they were going out of town and they were going to have family coming in and out of their house. So we got up at like 7 and helped change the sheets and got all of our stuff. We were gone by 9. We went to the Library like we have been and I finished the first Princess Diaries book and I just barely finished the second. While at the library it was getting later and later and I was getting no where with trying to find a place to live. That is when I started freaking out. Here is a text conversation I had with my mom. 

This was me during my anxiety attack. I have a prescription that I only use when I have "significant anxiety flare ups" I can take up to 2 a day but no more than 5 in a week. It can be very addicting. I took it and like 20 minutes later I felt better. So I went back to reading then it got much later and I started freaking out again. The library was closing in less than an hour. I called my mom and I told her my fears she told me to call my bishop. I started freaking out just thinking about it. What if he says he can't do anything? What if he's busy? What if he doesn't want to help? What if he ignores my call? 
I know that some of these thoughts are irrational but I can't shake the feeling that something is going to go wrong. My mom eventually said she'd call him. I didn't want her to because what if he thinks I'm just a child that needs my mom to do things for me. I was against it at first but I knew that he needed to be called so I tried not to think while I sent my mom his number. He called me back and asked what he could do for me. I told him how I wasn't quite old enough to check into a hotel and asked if he knew of anywhere that I could stay. He asked if I had the cats because I had mentioned them a few days before. I said no and he said he'd call me back in a few minutes. Five minutes later he called and said to come to a specific hotel and that he got us a room. I was so grateful that I started crying. I was praying so hard that day that things would be okay and they were. I'm in the hotel room now. My little brother is reading my blog as I am typing this. He mentioned a typo here and there which I will probably be fixing. For the record, I only have one brother. He is awesome. I really wanna read the Captain America civil war comics, not because of the movie, but because it's what comes next in the Vol 5 that I'm reading. I tried ordering the graphic novel on Amazon a while back but it was out of stock. I guess I'll half to wait. Cap makes me so happy I love him so much and I also love Chris Evans. I really hope I can meet him. Hi Adam! That's all folks!


Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Cap is Coming!!

So Chris Evans aka Captain America is coming to the greatest Comic con in the world! Captain America is my number 1 favorite comic and superhero by far! I have 94 cap comics and 3 graphic novels! Chris Evans seriously made me fall in love with Cap. He is an amazing actor and the only one that can ever play Captain America. Not to mention he's gorgeous! Guess who else is coming to Salt Lake Comic Con... Sebastian Stan!! I love him as Bucky, he does an awesome job becoming the Winter Soldier! Bucky is tied for second place as my favorite Captain America character. It goes:
1. Steve Rogers
2. Peggy Carter and Bucky Barnes
3. Sharon Carter

Hayley Atwell is an unconfirmed guest but she'd better come. All three of them would be a freaking dream come true. 

Anyways that's great news to start with. The best news actually. My anxiety is really high right now. I've been homeless since the 26th of Jul but I've always had a place to stay. For that I am very grateful. I'm back in Cedar with my little brother and we've been staying with my friends grandparents, before that we were at my old roommates house sharing a twin sized bed. Here I share a freaking huge bed with my friend and my brother gets a queen sized water mattress to himself. I'm still kind of freaking out about all of my stuff. I'm so excited to have a place to call home again! I'm desperately looking for a job and so is my brother. I hope it won't be long now. Tonight is the last night that I can stay here. I really hope we get a place tomorrow. Wish me luck, anyone that's reading this. It's been a rough couple of months but it's so close to being over. If Steve Rogers can be brave for America, then I can be brave for myself!


Friday, July 31, 2015

The point of the blog/just a day in the life

So I'm not sure if I'm going to make this blog like a daily thing or not but here I am again today. I'm safely back in my home state. My family really stresses me out but at the same time I can totally chill with them too. I love them all so much. I missed my cats too and my little brother's cat. I am definitely a cat person. Dogs aren't as cuddly and they are gross and hyper. 

Stress level today: Medium

I think that my friend really really stresses me out. And get this. My uncle literally told me today to just stop stressing out, I just thought it was funny since I wrote about it yesterday. As soon as I got in my little brother was saying how I needed to clean the liter box since he's been taking care of my cats. The liter box was super gross too and I did not want to do it. The deal is that if he can take care of all the cats, he can keep his. When I lived at home I was almost always the one taking care of them and he almost got his taken away after many chances and this is his absolute last chance. 
One of my cats is in hiding. She is really shy and scared all the time. A big part of me hopes that she didn't get outside and is lost or got hit or something terrible. I looked all over the house but my family said that she has a lot of hiding places that they didn't know about and that this was normal. I still can't get rid of that worry that she's lost or gone. I said a prayer so I hope she'll be okay. They told me that she comes out eventually. 

Something I have decided is that this is first a foremost going to be a blog about my anxiety. I'll probably through a geeky thing in here and there. Bye-bye for now!

Thursday, July 30, 2015

Anxiety is like a Dalek AKA it sucks

So here is my second post. I'm going to try to not worry about grammar and sounding like I'm a good writer because that defeats the purpose of this blog. No worries. If you don't watch 

 A shot from Doctor Who of a painting of the Time War
entitled "Gallifrey Falls" or "No More"
(Season 7 Episode 15)
It's like the time war in Doctor Who. It is absolute chaos; My rational thoughts are like the Time Lords and the irrational thoughts are the Daleks. I literally feel like "No More" or even "Emily Falls". My brain feels like it is running a million miles a minute, is the color black, and is in tangles. It's like chaos going on inside my head. The problem is, no one can see it. All I can say is "I'm freaking out" or "I'm having anxiety" and people just don't get it.

People will say things like:
"Calm down."
"I don't get why you're having anxiety."
"There is nothing to freak out about."
"Why are you having anxiety?"
"It'll be okay, just do it."
"Just stop having anxiety".

It doesn't work like that. Anxiety is an absolute Dalek. Do people think I like being anxious? If I could fix my self I could. I read an article recently about anxiety that said something like... Don't tell us our anxieties aren't real, it makes us feel like we are broken... Broken. That is a perfect word to describe it. It's like there is something wrong with me that I can't fix. I am broken. When someone challenges my anxieties, or minimize it I always think... Yeah I should be able to stop, but I can't. What the heck is wrong with me?... 

When you feel like there is something wrong with you it makes you depressed. This happens to me a lot. It's like a cycle. When I am feeling anxious about something and someone pretty much tells me to suck it up, I feel like I can't, I feel hopeless, I feel like there is something wrong with me and that makes me sad and depressed. The depression leads to me not wanting to leave or go anywhere and then my friends will be mad or disappointed in me for not wanting to hang out.

When I get to this point I usually binge watch Netflix and it's usually Doctor Who that I watch. Matt Smith is my favorite Doctor by far. He is so funny and his personality is similar to mine when I act normal. I get so lost in the story and laugh at the silliness and it just makes me so happy and makes me feel hopeful again. What helps the most with Doctor Who is when I relate it to my real life or at least make references to it. I'll definitely wish that the Doctor could take me away in the TARDIS to give me extra time to do my homework; he could take me away to the most peaceful place in the universe, no matter what he would make sure that I was okay. This is why when people insult my geeky obsessions I get so offended, because it helps me so much.

Even writing about Doctor Who is making me happier.

An Introduction

Hello to anyone out there that actually reads this. I'm starting this blog as a way to cope with my anxiety and explain how all of my geeky loves help me. First of all, I am a college student. I am about to start my fourth year in school (although in credits I would just be starting my junior year). I have had a lot of medical issues that have made me medical withdraw from school. Maybe I'll mention those more in depth later.

My geeky passions are: Harry Potter, Captain America, Doctor Who, Supernatural, Comic books, video games, I might be forgetting some. 

Anyways guys if you do read this please please comment. It's nice to know that someone is listening and can relate to my anxiety because right now I feel so alone in it.