Wednesday, May 9, 2018

Moved To ICU pt 3

Anxiety level: through the roof

Adam was taken to ICU and was only allowed 2 visitors at a time; the room was much smaller. He stayed about the the same for a long time then his liver started getting a little better. I didn’t really want to leave Adam but I needed some sleep and I needed to separate my self for just a little bit. Going home made is feel a little more real. My friend Jenny picked me up because I didn’t want to be alone and brought me Panda Express. We ended up giving it to my mom and going back to get more. It was really nice to have friends for support. I texted my friend Paloma too and asked her to bring my other friend Stella if she could. I met Jenny’s cat Ollie and he was amazing. He made the same expressions as my Sephora but loved pets like Bucky. We met Paloma and Stella at my place. It was really nice to be distracted for a while but my heart hurt every time I thought about Adam. Stella was able to stay the night with me and slept in my moms bed. We played video games until pretty late. I didn’t think I would be able to sleep but the game I was playing on my phone distracted me just enough to let me sleep. I am really grateful for my friends. If you’re reading this, thank you.

Tuesday, May 8, 2018

Waiting pt 2

Anxiety Level: Still No Words
After Adam’s friends came we were able to get him a blessing. It was really nice. My mother and I got one too. It was really comforting. They tested for all the most common overdoes medicines and we waited. The doctor said that they don’t have a antidotes for a lot of medicine and that his liver and kidneys would just have to get rid of whatever he took. We waited. Quite a while later they came back with the test results and they some kind of Tricyclic in his system but they didn’t know which one. Nothing else showed up.
He was going to be moved to ICU soon so we talked to the ICU doctor, he said that he his liver was in bad shape as if he overdosed on Tylenol. It was possible that he took something a few days ago and that it’s not showing up until now. I didn’t think so since me and Adam had a lot of fun on Saturday and he bought and ton of comics and had me order a graphic novel for him.
We went to my dads house to look through all of the medicine in the house and brought it to the hospital to show the the doctor all the ones we could find. We got back with all the medicine and we waited.
They took him up to ICU to set up and we waited.

He’s in Critical Condition pt 1

Anxiety Level: No words.

Yesterday my dad went to wake my brother up for work and he wouldn’t get up. My dad tried pouring cold water on him and nothing but he was breathing. He was rushed to the hospital.
I answered a call from my mom at 8:08 am telling me what had happened. I was in shock. I got up and went through the motions but it didn’t feel real. My mom was visually upset and crying while I was just there. We waited for a while and I was really anxious.
The doctors let us in to ask us the medicines he had access to. We talked about how he had depression and had a fight with my dad the night before. We were told that it looked like an overdose and that gag reflex didn’t work so the doctors were afraid he was going to choke; he had a tube put down his throat so that he wouldn’t. We had to go back out to the waiting room.
We waited for a while and I was still just not there. We were finally let in and the doctor explained everything again and said that he is in critical condition. He also said that when they talk about someone being on life support, this is what they mean. The breathing tube.
The doctor left and the was in and out I asked him to wake up and the nurse said he couldn’t wake up,  he was in a medically induced coma. 5 or 10 minutes later it hit me, I told him that I needed him and kept asking over and over “Why didn’t you call me??” I was sobbing it. I would go into sobbing fits and then stop. I remember I really had to pee. I was trying to get into his phone to see if he googled anything but I didn’t know the passcode. I thought I did at first until I realized he had a 6 digit passcode. I was going to try to start and 1 and try to guess the last 2 numbers. Then the whole passcode was just in my head. I tried it and it worked. It was amazing. I didn’t find anything on his phone but I was able to message his friends. They all came immediately.
It was nice to have so many people around that loved Adam. It helped me feel better.

Monday, March 19, 2018

Laura Martinez and more depression

Anxiety Level: High
I was called by my old roommate’s boyfriend about a router that someone accidentally packed. He is 17 years old and she is 19. Or maybe he’s 18 and she’s 20 now. I don’t know for sure. They way they met was creepy. He was a client at the place where she worked. Apparently they didn’t overlap for long but I don’t really know for sure. I was okay with that before I realized that her work was either for teens with mental illnesses or addictions or maybe troubled teens; I just know it’s mental health related. I was troubled by it after that. Anyways...

I was supposed to send the router I while back but I didn’t have any money and my brain didn’t prioritize it anyways. He told me to get a job and pay for it, I was sarcastic back with him and said “Ok, I’ll get a job, but it’ll be a few weeks before I’ll get any money for it.” He said he didn’t care if I had to mow someone’s lawn to get $20. But I don’t really know about that... I mean there’s snow on the ground. He also said to ask my parents since they pay for everything else. That stung. I’m trying to work on building confidence in myself even though I can’t do what other people can do, like work. Usually I would say “what normal people can do”... but no more. I told him toward the beginning of the conversation that I would send it. I also said I didn’t care that much. Laura Martinez hurt me so bad that I almost killed myself, there were other things involved but she was a huge part of that. I have a lot of spite built up for her because of it. It hurts even thinking about it. She used to be nice until she wanted me to get rid of one of my cats so she can get a dog but I refused to obviously. After that she was really mean. I tried to sound amused while on the phone with Daniel. I had already told him I’d send it but he kept going off at me. I guess I was a little amused since he was so effected by everything I said. He asked why I was laughing (I wasn’t actually laughing though), and kept going off on me.  At some point I called Laura a bitch, he was pissed. I kept saying it over and over because I was so angry and it felt good to say at the time. Eventually he hung up on me, which is kind of what I wanted. I had so much spite and I knew it’d be hard to stop. I feel bad now. I don’t get angry very easily. I’m normally a really patient person, but a few things set me off. I have a strong sense of justice. When someone has really really wronged me like Laura Martinez, I get passionate. When I’m passionate, I can get actually angry.

I called tds and they are sending me a box to send the router back it for free. It’ll be here in a few days. Besides all of this, I am really struggling. My grandma is moving to St. Louis and I’m broken up about it. I love her so much and I originally was going to move up here to be closer to her. She said it’s hard to be here with my parents getting divorced. She’s broken-hearted. The divorce has been hard on me too because of the things involved. I’m hurting really bad. I’ve been so depressed. I’ve just been randomly crying. Sometimes I don’t even know what I’m crying about. I’m just really hurting. My anxiety is getting worse too. I have a whole new amount of anxiety when I have a job but right now I feel like I have that same higher level even though I don’t have a job. This really sucks. I just want it to stop.

I saw my grandma and some cousins the other day and I felt like I was just existing while everyone was joking around. I faked some smiles and had a few genuine ones too. I almost started crying when I hugged my grandma. I’m gonna miss her so much. She’s part of my strength. I’m glad I can at least call her. I’m crying again. I want to go back to just existing but I know this is good for me. I hope it’ll help me feel better later. I know journaling can be therapeutic and that’s basically what I’m doing. My head it starting to hurt. That’s what usually happens when I crying really hard.

I called Laura’s phone back and apologized for being rude just after I called tds. I also told her how they’re sending me a box and all of that. She didn’t say she forgave me but at least she thanked me. I have so much spite for her but I still felt bad about being rude. I try to be forgiving but it’s really hard when someone has hurt you so bad. That’s why I have a hate list of exactly 4 people. They have all done things that have effected be in a really bad way and still effect me now. I believe I can forgive them someday, it’s just really hard to. I’ll keep working on it. I’m not crying anymore but my eyes hurt.
I guess that’s it.

Wednesday, January 31, 2018


Anxiety level: High
Yeah, we got an eviction notice. I’m tired of this stuff. I’m going to be moving in with my mom. I’m worried that I won’t be able to separate myself from all the problems here. That is part of why I moved away. I don’t know what to do. I can’t handle being awake right now. I’ve been really depressed since I got the notice and anxious. I’ve been trying to shake it off but it doesn’t really work that way. I think I’m gonna go to sleep because I don’t know what else to do. I am tired but I did sleep a decent amount last night. I’m so upset about the eviction. What if I can’t find another place to move into later because of it?? I’m freaking out but I’m also kind of numb. This is the worst. I really can’t handle it. I need to go to sleep. Yeah, I’m gonna pet my cats and go to sleep.

Friday, December 1, 2017

My Serious Mental Breakdown

Anxiety level: High
Last night I had a really terrible breakdown. It was probablythe worst panic attack I’ve ever had. I kept banging my head against the bookcase until there were huge bumps. There were a bunch of DVD’s and VHS’s and I just shoved them off the shelf. I’m not sure why, I just felt like I had to. It was like reflex almost. After that I just froze. I couldn’t move. I was holding on to my pjs really tight and was just staring and this VHS. I was barely breathing and I really wanted to stop breathing. I remember really hoping someone would find me and help me. I thought about choking myself but knew that wouldn’t work. I just held my breath for a bit. I took the cord to my headset and tied it around my neck. I knew that wouldn’t work because I’d tried it before. I had only got it to work once and that was the first time I ever attempted suicide. My brother walked in on me. The problem with tying something around your neck is you have to tie it really tight and even then, the cord can slip and it doesn’t work. Eventually I just froze again. I held onto my Batman pj bottoms really tight and rocked myself. I went back to staring at the one VHS and eventually I started crying really hard. I could barely talk. I really needed it to stop. I started crying for help. It was really quiet at first because I was crying so hard but I was able to get louder eventually and my mom and brother found me and helped calm me down. My mom was able to get me up even though I told her I couldn’t move. And walked me to her bed and held me and rocked me like a baby while my brother was hugging me. I tried to tell her I had bumps on my head but she couldn’t understand me for a while. She asked my brother if he could understand me but he couldn’t either. I tried to say it more clearly and eventually she understood me. I had boogers all over my face from crying and I tried to tell my mom and she understood me a little quicker that time. She got me a tissue but I told her I couldn’t move so she wiped them for me. I felt like a baby so I told my mom. She said yes you’re my baby. I said no I am a baby. She said sometimes we are but it’s ok and sometimes it even happens to her. I said ok and felt better about it. Somewhere in the middle of this I stopped crying altogether. When I was calm enough, she got me to lie down and cuddled me. I wanted cereal so my brother got me some. He got me more when I was done and wanted more. When I was done I wanted my blanket that was in the other room so I went and got it and snuggled it. It was really comforting to snuggle my blanket just like it was comforting for my mom to rock me and brother to hug me. I eventually fell asleep. I slept from 1am to 3pm. I had a super vivid dream that was a crossbow between Life is Strange and Assassin’s Creed, only it was with Marvel superheroes.

Wednesday, November 29, 2017

“Roommate Problems”

Anxiety level: High
My roommate told me last night that utilities are due. Today she said she had to have it by the end of the day or she would tell the landlord. The gas bill was due yesterday. I’ve been stressed all day even though I know it’s ridiculous to demand payment for that gas bill and other utilities after it’s due and expect to get it immediately. I was able to pay my part of the gas bill but she said she needed all of it, including rent. Rent isn’t due for another couple days so I’m trying not to worry about it a ton. I always pay the rent on time. I’ve never been late. I don’t why she has to put this extra stress on me! After basically calling me a liar, she is still being a jerk. She said she gave me plenty of time but that’s obviously false. I’m not moving out though, even though the apartment manager is a jerk and so is Laura. The pool here really helps me relax during the summer and I feel fairly safe while walking around the complex. I don’t want to have to fight with another apartment manager to be able to keep my cats. I just wish I had a better apartment manager, one that doesn’t discriminate against me or ask about me to my roommates behind my back. I wish she would treat me nicely and not be so condisending. She was upset that I gave the apartments 2 stars on Facebook “because of my roommate problems”. She was referring to the second notice she gave me that was 90% false. She said it was just roommate problems. I told her that it wasn’t the reason why, it was because of my cats. She said that’s fair but that I should explain it in the review. I was upset about that! I changed my review to one star and stated the truth: “The apartment manager doesn’t accommodate people with disabilities.” It explained the one star like she said but the next day I found that the Facebook ratings and reviews were taken off completely. If you were to check the page now there is nothing. I reviewed the apartments on google and a couple other places because people need to know. I found a couple other reviews that called her racist, discriminatory and the like. I don’t think she should be an apartment manager. I hope Laura doesn’t try to talk to me about getting rid of a cat again because that isn’t going to happen, I need them too much. I’m barely getting by with them, there’s no way I’d get by without them. I’m excited to move everything from the living room into my room. My TV, PlayStation, DVD shelf, table, lamp,and  lovesac. I’m excited to decorate my room Christmas too. Maybe I’ll start feeling better when I have things decorated. Christmas usually cheers me up. I’m tired but I doubt I’ll get sleep tonight. Too much on my mind. I’ll try some of my coping skills for night time so maybe I will.