Monday, March 19, 2018

Laura Martinez and more depression

Anxiety Level: High
I was called by my old roommate’s boyfriend about a router that someone accidentally packed. He is 17 years old and she is 19. Or maybe he’s 18 and she’s 20 now. I don’t know for sure. They way they met was creepy. He was a client at the place where she worked. Apparently they didn’t overlap for long but I don’t really know for sure. I was okay with that before I realized that her work was either for teens with mental illnesses or addictions or maybe troubled teens; I just know it’s mental health related. I was troubled by it after that. Anyways...

I was supposed to send the router I while back but I didn’t have any money and my brain didn’t prioritize it anyways. He told me to get a job and pay for it, I was sarcastic back with him and said “Ok, I’ll get a job, but it’ll be a few weeks before I’ll get any money for it.” He said he didn’t care if I had to mow someone’s lawn to get $20. But I don’t really know about that... I mean there’s snow on the ground. He also said to ask my parents since they pay for everything else. That stung. I’m trying to work on building confidence in myself even though I can’t do what other people can do, like work. Usually I would say “what normal people can do”... but no more. I told him toward the beginning of the conversation that I would send it. I also said I didn’t care that much. Laura Martinez hurt me so bad that I almost killed myself, there were other things involved but she was a huge part of that. I have a lot of spite built up for her because of it. It hurts even thinking about it. She used to be nice until she wanted me to get rid of one of my cats so she can get a dog but I refused to obviously. After that she was really mean. I tried to sound amused while on the phone with Daniel. I had already told him I’d send it but he kept going off at me. I guess I was a little amused since he was so effected by everything I said. He asked why I was laughing (I wasn’t actually laughing though), and kept going off on me.  At some point I called Laura a bitch, he was pissed. I kept saying it over and over because I was so angry and it felt good to say at the time. Eventually he hung up on me, which is kind of what I wanted. I had so much spite and I knew it’d be hard to stop. I feel bad now. I don’t get angry very easily. I’m normally a really patient person, but a few things set me off. I have a strong sense of justice. When someone has really really wronged me like Laura Martinez, I get passionate. When I’m passionate, I can get actually angry.

I called tds and they are sending me a box to send the router back it for free. It’ll be here in a few days. Besides all of this, I am really struggling. My grandma is moving to St. Louis and I’m broken up about it. I love her so much and I originally was going to move up here to be closer to her. She said it’s hard to be here with my parents getting divorced. She’s broken-hearted. The divorce has been hard on me too because of the things involved. I’m hurting really bad. I’ve been so depressed. I’ve just been randomly crying. Sometimes I don’t even know what I’m crying about. I’m just really hurting. My anxiety is getting worse too. I have a whole new amount of anxiety when I have a job but right now I feel like I have that same higher level even though I don’t have a job. This really sucks. I just want it to stop.

I saw my grandma and some cousins the other day and I felt like I was just existing while everyone was joking around. I faked some smiles and had a few genuine ones too. I almost started crying when I hugged my grandma. I’m gonna miss her so much. She’s part of my strength. I’m glad I can at least call her. I’m crying again. I want to go back to just existing but I know this is good for me. I hope it’ll help me feel better later. I know journaling can be therapeutic and that’s basically what I’m doing. My head it starting to hurt. That’s what usually happens when I crying really hard.

I called Laura’s phone back and apologized for being rude just after I called tds. I also told her how they’re sending me a box and all of that. She didn’t say she forgave me but at least she thanked me. I have so much spite for her but I still felt bad about being rude. I try to be forgiving but it’s really hard when someone has hurt you so bad. That’s why I have a hate list of exactly 4 people. They have all done things that have effected be in a really bad way and still effect me now. I believe I can forgive them someday, it’s just really hard to. I’ll keep working on it. I’m not crying anymore but my eyes hurt.
I guess that’s it.

Wednesday, January 31, 2018


Anxiety level: High
Yeah, we got an eviction notice. I’m tired of this stuff. I’m going to be moving in with my mom. I’m worried that I won’t be able to separate myself from all the problems here. That is part of why I moved away. I don’t know what to do. I can’t handle being awake right now. I’ve been really depressed since I got the notice and anxious. I’ve been trying to shake it off but it doesn’t really work that way. I think I’m gonna go to sleep because I don’t know what else to do. I am tired but I did sleep a decent amount last night. I’m so upset about the eviction. What if I can’t find another place to move into later because of it?? I’m freaking out but I’m also kind of numb. This is the worst. I really can’t handle it. I need to go to sleep. Yeah, I’m gonna pet my cats and go to sleep.

Friday, December 1, 2017

My Serious Mental Breakdown

Anxiety level: High
Last night I had a really terrible breakdown. It was probablythe worst panic attack I’ve ever had. I kept banging my head against the bookcase until there were huge bumps. There were a bunch of DVD’s and VHS’s and I just shoved them off the shelf. I’m not sure why, I just felt like I had to. It was like reflex almost. After that I just froze. I couldn’t move. I was holding on to my pjs really tight and was just staring and this VHS. I was barely breathing and I really wanted to stop breathing. I remember really hoping someone would find me and help me. I thought about choking myself but knew that wouldn’t work. I just held my breath for a bit. I took the cord to my headset and tied it around my neck. I knew that wouldn’t work because I’d tried it before. I had only got it to work once and that was the first time I ever attempted suicide. My brother walked in on me. The problem with tying something around your neck is you have to tie it really tight and even then, the cord can slip and it doesn’t work. Eventually I just froze again. I held onto my Batman pj bottoms really tight and rocked myself. I went back to staring at the one VHS and eventually I started crying really hard. I could barely talk. I really needed it to stop. I started crying for help. It was really quiet at first because I was crying so hard but I was able to get louder eventually and my mom and brother found me and helped calm me down. My mom was able to get me up even though I told her I couldn’t move. And walked me to her bed and held me and rocked me like a baby while my brother was hugging me. I tried to tell her I had bumps on my head but she couldn’t understand me for a while. She asked my brother if he could understand me but he couldn’t either. I tried to say it more clearly and eventually she understood me. I had boogers all over my face from crying and I tried to tell my mom and she understood me a little quicker that time. She got me a tissue but I told her I couldn’t move so she wiped them for me. I felt like a baby so I told my mom. She said yes you’re my baby. I said no I am a baby. She said sometimes we are but it’s ok and sometimes it even happens to her. I said ok and felt better about it. Somewhere in the middle of this I stopped crying altogether. When I was calm enough, she got me to lie down and cuddled me. I wanted cereal so my brother got me some. He got me more when I was done and wanted more. When I was done I wanted my blanket that was in the other room so I went and got it and snuggled it. It was really comforting to snuggle my blanket just like it was comforting for my mom to rock me and brother to hug me. I eventually fell asleep. I slept from 1am to 3pm. I had a super vivid dream that was a crossbow between Life is Strange and Assassin’s Creed, only it was with Marvel superheroes.

Wednesday, November 29, 2017

“Roommate Problems”

Anxiety level: High
My roommate told me last night that utilities are due. Today she said she had to have it by the end of the day or she would tell the landlord. The gas bill was due yesterday. I’ve been stressed all day even though I know it’s ridiculous to demand payment for that gas bill and other utilities after it’s due and expect to get it immediately. I was able to pay my part of the gas bill but she said she needed all of it, including rent. Rent isn’t due for another couple days so I’m trying not to worry about it a ton. I always pay the rent on time. I’ve never been late. I don’t why she has to put this extra stress on me! After basically calling me a liar, she is still being a jerk. She said she gave me plenty of time but that’s obviously false. I’m not moving out though, even though the apartment manager is a jerk and so is Laura. The pool here really helps me relax during the summer and I feel fairly safe while walking around the complex. I don’t want to have to fight with another apartment manager to be able to keep my cats. I just wish I had a better apartment manager, one that doesn’t discriminate against me or ask about me to my roommates behind my back. I wish she would treat me nicely and not be so condisending. She was upset that I gave the apartments 2 stars on Facebook “because of my roommate problems”. She was referring to the second notice she gave me that was 90% false. She said it was just roommate problems. I told her that it wasn’t the reason why, it was because of my cats. She said that’s fair but that I should explain it in the review. I was upset about that! I changed my review to one star and stated the truth: “The apartment manager doesn’t accommodate people with disabilities.” It explained the one star like she said but the next day I found that the Facebook ratings and reviews were taken off completely. If you were to check the page now there is nothing. I reviewed the apartments on google and a couple other places because people need to know. I found a couple other reviews that called her racist, discriminatory and the like. I don’t think she should be an apartment manager. I hope Laura doesn’t try to talk to me about getting rid of a cat again because that isn’t going to happen, I need them too much. I’m barely getting by with them, there’s no way I’d get by without them. I’m excited to move everything from the living room into my room. My TV, PlayStation, DVD shelf, table, lamp,and  lovesac. I’m excited to decorate my room Christmas too. Maybe I’ll start feeling better when I have things decorated. Christmas usually cheers me up. I’m tired but I doubt I’ll get sleep tonight. Too much on my mind. I’ll try some of my coping skills for night time so maybe I will.

Wednesday, November 22, 2017

I Need Some Sleep

Anxiety Level: Pretty Friggin High
Hi people,
It’s 7:45 am and I cannot sleep. My sleep schedule has been wacky because I’ve been sick and also because of anxiety. Last night I played video games, Assassin’s Creed Black Flag, and hung out with my cats  for quite a while because I wasn’t tired and even trying to sleep seemed pointless. I’m extremely tired now but my mind won’t quiet down. When I try to sleep all I can think about it how horrible my apartment manager and roommate were to me. I keep thinking it’s not fair that I can’t go back home. I honestly really needed to go to hospital last week but I didn’t. I was gonna go Saturday but my family is gonna be in town longer than I thought. I guess I’m going home Friday with my mom to make sure everything is ok but I’m freaking out about it. I want to be able to go home but it’s terrifying. The last thing I need is more harassment from both my roommate Laura, and apartment manager Lynette. I’m still freaking. My heart feels like it’s beating really hard and I was just silently crying because of everything with them. I’m just lying here, trying to clear my head. I put on some background noise but it doesn’t seem to be helping like it sometimes does.


Wednesday, November 15, 2017

I almost... but I didn't

I'm struggling. My roommate is being horrible and my manager gave me a warning about leaving my cats at home when I visit family or stay somewhere overnight, which I never do. I told my roommate how I was on suicide watch and she just didn't care. That is HARD to do. It is HARD to tell someone that and she's just brushed it off like it was nothing. I didn't want to stress anymore. I was supposed to go home but after the letter from the manager and my roommate telling me my cats aren't there to help me, I was just overwhelmed. I couldn't cope anymore.

Here's a background:

My cats help me SO much with my mental illnesses. Sephora with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Bucky with Major Depressive Disorder. They have such different personalities, it's crazy. Sephora helps me when I'm freaking out. When I'm panicking, she's there and she will stay with me. Bucky is the crazy cat who cheers me up. He is so weird and silly it makes me laugh. Earlier today I was crying my face off and Sephora just didn't want me to hold her like I needed, she got straight up angry with me. I knew I needed Bucky. He hates to be held but he let me and didn't leave me. He didn't even complain for a while. My cats help me in such different ways it's crazy. I love them both so much and they have absolutely saved my life.
When I first moved into Canyon View apartments in Cedar city I was planning on just having one of my cats with me because there was already a dog and there was a two pet limit. I knew I needed them but didn't know which one to have with me. I went to the hospital just as I was moving in. I couldn't handle the stress and was feeling insane and the panic attacks got so bad I needed them to stop so I got suicidal. While I was in the hospital I talked to the therapists and social workers about my things I did to cope. I mentioned in a one on one with a social worker (I think) about how my cats help me cope and how I was freaking out about not having them both. She was concerned about, firstly, the strain of being separated with even one of them; and second, the support and coping method that was being taken away. I was also worried that they wouldn't have each other to play with and keep company.
I was able to have a letter written that officially made them Emotional Support Animals and I started feeling hopeful again. I got out of the hospital with a new hope about things! I had them both with me for a little bit until I got, what was basically a rejection letter from the apartment manager Lynette. I was crushed and then I started panicking, all of the new hope vanished instantly. I didn't know what to do at first. I just knew I needed them. I contacted the Disability Law Center and they were able to give me some guidance. Firstly, they made sure that I only had one cat with me. Secondly, the sent a letter to the manager. The fight felt like it took forever and I was not doing well without Sephora. My former roommates boyfriend was also a jerk about it. He stayed the night every single night, had a key to the house, parked in our one shared parking space, and was there even when Taylor (the former roommate) was not. I had a really hard time after the fight was over. Eventually the manager decided just to let me have my cats, she first said I could have them both but she "couldn't renew my lease". She tried so many tricky ways to get me out.

So that was my legal battle for emotional support.
Seems kind of ridiculous doesn't it?

Now I'm not amazing with cleaning. I never have been, but I've been working SO hard on it. It's really tough to get yourself to clean when you can't even get yourself to eat. For a while after my boyfriend had broken up with me, my grandpa died of cancer right next to me, my parents, and my evil uncle had been harassing me, I had a hard time cleaning up after myself at all. I didn't eat, didn't shower, didn't brush my teeth, didn't really do anything. Eventually I decided to start school again, which was a terrible idea, I freaked out about going to class and it really just added on the stress and made me shut down more. My room got really dirty while all of this was happening. It was shameful of me but I couldn't get myself to do anything. I just didn't care. I left for comic con, which is a huge deal for me, if you have read this blog you should know. While I was gone there was an inspection and I got an eviction notice about cleaning the litter box. When I came back the house smelled so bad from the litter box. It probably did before but I didn't care enough to notice. I had forgotten to clean the litter box before I left. My room smelled awful and so did all the clothes in it. My roommates helped me clean my awful room and I did all of my laundry. I worked hard on getting rid of the smell. I started cleaning the litter box every day after that. I would still forget every once in a while but I did my best. I officially decided to drop from school which was really really hard. I started getting really depressed again. I started feeling worthless again. The only things that kept me going were my cats and the video game Elder Scrolls Online. I had met people on there that I regularly played with and it was great. I consider them my friends. I was desperate for help when I went up north for witch fest. I did have some fun here and there  but most of the night I was faking smiles and pretending like I was okay. I knew I was getting dangerously lonely and sad, being with my family did help a little for a bit. I haven't had anxiety medicine that worked since about beginning or mid September. That was also a huge problem with my emotional well-being.

I have two different roommates from when I moved in. Taylor's dog is gone. My roommates knew when they were moving in that I had two cats. I hoped they would like my cats. I thought they did for a while and now one of them wants to force me to get rid of one. This happened just after she sent me the second notice I mentioned at the beginning of this post. She wants me to get ride of one so she can "at least have the chance to have a pet to care for." I basically said no. She knew there were no pets when she moved it. I wasn't going to get rid of my emotional support especially not when I was on suicide watch. I told her I was on suicide arch but she still continued to tell me how my cats aren't there to help me and a bunch of other crap she knew nothing about. It hurt me. It was the breaking point. I didn't even feel safe going home! That right there is what made me feel the most hopeless. I was crying and shaking and I couldn't deal with anything or even do anything. I was hurt, lost, sad, hopeless, and I just didn't know what to do to make it stop. That's when I wrote the last post then put a knife to my chest.

One of the things that saved my life today was a cat named Gary. He lives where I'm currently staying and he wanted to be let inside. I was just about to do it when he came to the kitchen window. I let him in and that shift in mood from hopeless to cat saved me. I don't know for sure whether or. It I would have gone through with it but I do know that Gary made a difference.

Tuesday, November 14, 2017


Suicide is scary thought.
Even in passing, if your not serious about it. And that's why I'm terrified to go back to home. I don't want to kill myself.
I'm doing it. Few things first.
Salt Lake Behavioral Health I might have gone to the hospital if you guys hadn't been so terrible. I'm terrified of the hospital because of you.
Laura. You obviously don't give a crap about me but then again why should you? You're the reason I can't go back home.
Tina. Thank you for being so supportive. You have no idea how much you helped me.
I'm sorry Mom, Dad, and Adam. I can't anymore. I love you Grandma.
Grandma Dixie. I couldn't be around anyone who thought I could even possibly have done the things you "don't know" if I did. Alfred is scum and has ASPD
Lynette G. (canyon view apartment manager) I can't take the harassment anymore. You are no doubt, a part of this decision. At least you won't have to deal with my cats in the apartment.

Take care of my babies. If Sephora and Bucky have to be separated then Amanda gets Bucky. I want them to stay together though. Have a cheap funeral then go do something fun. Remember me sometimes.

Mental illness is not a joke. No one else should ever get to this point.
I'm sorry.