Wednesday, November 15, 2017

I almost... but I didn't

I'm struggling. My roommate is being horrible and my manager gave me a warning about leaving my cats at home when I visit family or stay somewhere overnight, which I never do. I told my roommate how I was on suicide watch and she just didn't care. That is HARD to do. It is HARD to tell someone that and she's just brushed it off like it was nothing. I didn't want to stress anymore. I was supposed to go home but after the letter from the manager and my roommate telling me my cats aren't there to help me, I was just overwhelmed. I couldn't cope anymore.

Here's a background:

My cats help me SO much with my mental illnesses. Sephora with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Bucky with Major Depressive Disorder. They have such different personalities, it's crazy. Sephora helps me when I'm freaking out. When I'm panicking, she's there and she will stay with me. Bucky is the crazy cat who cheers me up. He is so weird and silly it makes me laugh. Earlier today I was crying my face off and Sephora just didn't want me to hold her like I needed, she got straight up angry with me. I knew I needed Bucky. He hates to be held but he let me and didn't leave me. He didn't even complain for a while. My cats help me in such different ways it's crazy. I love them both so much and they have absolutely saved my life.
When I first moved into Canyon View apartments in Cedar city I was planning on just having one of my cats with me because there was already a dog and there was a two pet limit. I knew I needed them but didn't know which one to have with me. I went to the hospital just as I was moving in. I couldn't handle the stress and was feeling insane and the panic attacks got so bad I needed them to stop so I got suicidal. While I was in the hospital I talked to the therapists and social workers about my things I did to cope. I mentioned in a one on one with a social worker (I think) about how my cats help me cope and how I was freaking out about not having them both. She was concerned about, firstly, the strain of being separated with even one of them; and second, the support and coping method that was being taken away. I was also worried that they wouldn't have each other to play with and keep company.
I was able to have a letter written that officially made them Emotional Support Animals and I started feeling hopeful again. I got out of the hospital with a new hope about things! I had them both with me for a little bit until I got, what was basically a rejection letter from the apartment manager Lynette. I was crushed and then I started panicking, all of the new hope vanished instantly. I didn't know what to do at first. I just knew I needed them. I contacted the Disability Law Center and they were able to give me some guidance. Firstly, they made sure that I only had one cat with me. Secondly, the sent a letter to the manager. The fight felt like it took forever and I was not doing well without Sephora. My former roommates boyfriend was also a jerk about it. He stayed the night every single night, had a key to the house, parked in our one shared parking space, and was there even when Taylor (the former roommate) was not. I had a really hard time after the fight was over. Eventually the manager decided just to let me have my cats, she first said I could have them both but she "couldn't renew my lease". She tried so many tricky ways to get me out.

So that was my legal battle for emotional support.
Seems kind of ridiculous doesn't it?

Now I'm not amazing with cleaning. I never have been, but I've been working SO hard on it. It's really tough to get yourself to clean when you can't even get yourself to eat. For a while after my boyfriend had broken up with me, my grandpa died of cancer right next to me, my parents, and my evil uncle had been harassing me, I had a hard time cleaning up after myself at all. I didn't eat, didn't shower, didn't brush my teeth, didn't really do anything. Eventually I decided to start school again, which was a terrible idea, I freaked out about going to class and it really just added on the stress and made me shut down more. My room got really dirty while all of this was happening. It was shameful of me but I couldn't get myself to do anything. I just didn't care. I left for comic con, which is a huge deal for me, if you have read this blog you should know. While I was gone there was an inspection and I got an eviction notice about cleaning the litter box. When I came back the house smelled so bad from the litter box. It probably did before but I didn't care enough to notice. I had forgotten to clean the litter box before I left. My room smelled awful and so did all the clothes in it. My roommates helped me clean my awful room and I did all of my laundry. I worked hard on getting rid of the smell. I started cleaning the litter box every day after that. I would still forget every once in a while but I did my best. I officially decided to drop from school which was really really hard. I started getting really depressed again. I started feeling worthless again. The only things that kept me going were my cats and the video game Elder Scrolls Online. I had met people on there that I regularly played with and it was great. I consider them my friends. I was desperate for help when I went up north for witch fest. I did have some fun here and there  but most of the night I was faking smiles and pretending like I was okay. I knew I was getting dangerously lonely and sad, being with my family did help a little for a bit. I haven't had anxiety medicine that worked since about beginning or mid September. That was also a huge problem with my emotional well-being.

I have two different roommates from when I moved in. Taylor's dog is gone. My roommates knew when they were moving in that I had two cats. I hoped they would like my cats. I thought they did for a while and now one of them wants to force me to get rid of one. This happened just after she sent me the second notice I mentioned at the beginning of this post. She wants me to get ride of one so she can "at least have the chance to have a pet to care for." I basically said no. She knew there were no pets when she moved it. I wasn't going to get rid of my emotional support especially not when I was on suicide watch. I told her I was on suicide arch but she still continued to tell me how my cats aren't there to help me and a bunch of other crap she knew nothing about. It hurt me. It was the breaking point. I didn't even feel safe going home! That right there is what made me feel the most hopeless. I was crying and shaking and I couldn't deal with anything or even do anything. I was hurt, lost, sad, hopeless, and I just didn't know what to do to make it stop. That's when I wrote the last post then put a knife to my chest.

One of the things that saved my life today was a cat named Gary. He lives where I'm currently staying and he wanted to be let inside. I was just about to do it when he came to the kitchen window. I let him in and that shift in mood from hopeless to cat saved me. I don't know for sure whether or. It I would have gone through with it but I do know that Gary made a difference.

Tuesday, November 14, 2017


Suicide is scary thought.
Even in passing, if your not serious about it. And that's why I'm terrified to go back to home. I don't want to kill myself.
I'm doing it. Few things first.
Salt Lake Behavioral Health I might have gone to the hospital if you guys hadn't been so terrible. I'm terrified of the hospital because of you.
Laura. You obviously don't give a crap about me but then again why should you? You're the reason I can't go back home.
Tina. Thank you for being so supportive. You have no idea how much you helped me.
I'm sorry Mom, Dad, and Adam. I can't anymore. I love you Grandma.
Grandma Dixie. I couldn't be around anyone who thought I could even possibly have done the things you "don't know" if I did. Alfred is scum and has ASPD
Lynette G. (canyon view apartment manager) I can't take the harassment anymore. You are no doubt, a part of this decision. At least you won't have to deal with my cats in the apartment.

Take care of my babies. If Sephora and Bucky have to be separated then Amanda gets Bucky. I want them to stay together though. Have a cheap funeral then go do something fun. Remember me sometimes.

Mental illness is not a joke. No one else should ever get to this point.
I'm sorry.

Saturday, August 27, 2016

Stop the Stigma / The Battle

Anxiety Level: Super High

"It's easy"
"You'll be fine"
"It's not that hard"
"Just do it"
These may be true to some people but not for me and others with anxiety disorders. It's different for everyone. Everyone has different triggers. My triggers are sometimes hard to identify. Sometimes I don't have a trigger. It's HARD to say "I don't know" when you're asked why you are having anxiety. I feel like I have to convince people that anxiety is real. If you are throwing up at work, you'll probably be sent home. When you're having an anxiety attack, which is so much worse, you have to suck it up. It sucks!! One of my friends passes out when she has panic attacks. I feel so bad for her obviously but it does make her anxiety appear more real. I read something about invisible illnesses a while back. Just because you can't see the illness doesn't make it not real. Most anxiety symptoms are not visible and that makes them not real to a lot of people. It needs to stop. How are we supposed to get better when we have to convince people that it's real? It's possible, but extremely difficult.
People will push us and tell us to get over it but they don't understand that they are making things much harder for us. In order to help your friend we need to stop the stigma and let mental disorders be seen as what they are, an illness. We have no more control over our anxiety than someone has over their cancer. Neither will get better without treatment. Telling a person with anxiety "you'll be fine"is like giving someone medical advice on an illness they know nothing about. Saying "It's easy" or "It's not that hard" is not understanding that they are experiencing something completely different than you are.

I have been going to work even though it's a battle to get out the door. Good for me right? I won the battle. Right? But what if winning the battles didn't help you win the war? Sometimes they don't...
For me there are 2 situations when I battle my anxiety triggers:

 1. Sometimes doing something is a really scary thought, but once you start doing it the anxiety lessens.

Example:  I recently had to return equipment to someone that I had started working for but quit because of my anxiety. I knew he'd be nice about it. He'd already been really understanding and said to let him know if I get my anxiety under control and I can start working again. Even though I knew this I was still freaked out and got terrible anxiety. After I pushed myself to answer my door and help him, my anxiety lessened. He was as nice as ever and it was all okay.

These battles help you win the war.
You begin to see that it isn't so bad, that there is hope and it gives you courage to keep fighting. 

2. You know something you have to do will give you anxiety, but you do it anyways and have terrible anxiety the whole time.

Example: I go to work even though I don't want to since I always get anxiety at work.. Depending on my specific duties that day and the people I'm working with, that anxiety will be worse or better, but it's still there. Once I get to work, my anxiety goes from bad to worse. The whole day is a bloody battle. Once I get home, I am relieved and think how I never want to do that again. The next time I have to go to work it becomes even harder to manage my anxiety. It's kind of like a conditioned response. I go to work, get anxiety, and in my mind work becomes anxiety. Then each time I go to work and get anxiety that idea gets reinforced. My anxiety gets worse and worse until I can't do it anymore.

These battles do not help you win the war. 
You may have beat your anxiety that day but if what you are doing makes your anxiety worse then you will reach a breaking point and lose.

These are my observations from having anxiety. Sometimes it's good to face your anxiety head on but sometimes it's counterproductive. Only the person with anxiety knows what that can probably handle and what they can't. Sometimes you have to take it piece by piece. My problem is I don't know what specific events cause anxiety at work. I know some people can help or hurt but I don't know what specific things make my anxiety worse. Don't push your loved one to do something they just can't do yet. There are things they can do. Try to help the figure out what they can handle and what their triggers are.

Catching up/Reflecting

"I worked at a residential facility for people that have mental illnesses. I had many trainings and junk. I did a  training on Recovery Promoting Relationships and I absolutely loved the quotes from it.

“I can talk, but I may not be heard. I can make suggestions, but they may not be taken seriously. I can voice my thoughts, but they may be seen as delusions. I can recite experiences, but they may be interpreted as fantasies. To be a patient or even an ex-client is to be discounted.” (1988)

I have talked about mental illness stigmas before but it is so important to me."
-Emily (written in Oct or Nov 2015)

 It's been quite a while since I posted. I had a really hard time at that job because I wasn't all there when I started. Towards the end of working there I'd to have panic attacks about going to work almost every shift. I kept calling in sick because I couldn't handle it. I wasn't lying. I was absolutely sick, but people don't see mental illness as being sick. My supervisor was awful. I once showed up to be trained for meds and she was "on her break" I asked the other employee when she'd left and assumed she'd be back soon based on how long she'd already been gone. He told me not to wait around and that she'd be gone for a long time. He said she had some kind of dance class on Tuesdays or something. I'd done that kind of thing when I'd started, forgetting appointments that is.  I was supposed to show up for a special training shift and I'd forget. Looking back, I was much more effected by Kimber's death than I'd realized. During that time I was distracted and forgetful and overall kind of sad. I wasn't crying everyday and I didn't constantly think about it, but I was sad. I did eventually quit that job. I should've quit long before I did. I had been having a really hard day and my supervisor wanted someone to cover her shift. Now I had just had a doctors appointment after getting no sleep that night. (I think I had worked a night shift) I was exhausted. To make matters worse my car broke down on my way back from the doctors. I was able to get it towed to my mechanic. I told her this. I then received a text, that went out to everyone by the way, that said "Emily gave some story about no sleep and and unworking car.." Then: "obviously meant to go to someone else." I quit a couple days later, I couldn't do it anymore. 
I'm a great employee when my anxiety is under control. I am productive and hardworking. When my anxiety hits it all goes downhill. I become less reliable, am late to work, scatterbrained, and shaky. 
Other things that happen when I don't have my anxiety under control: my heart is always racing, I often starts hyperventilating, I am constantly on edge, I get physically tense, I can't concentrate, I get irritated easily, and I get a strong feeling something bad is about to happen. It's not easy to put into words. This is just my anxiety, not my panicking. Panic attacks are much much worse but happen less often. I've always heard that panic attacks last for no more than 10 minutes. This doesn't feel true to me. When it comes to some things I feel like my panic doesn't stop until I'm removed from the situation causing the panic. It may actually be 10 minutes but if it is, it feels so much longer. 

Anxiety Level Nov-Dec 2015: SO SO SO HIGH


Sunday, October 4, 2015

Tragedy in Cedar City

Anxiety Level: Medium

I first want to say that I do not have all of the facts. Here is what I know for sure:
1. She went missing that day. 
2. Someone found her car up Cedar Canyon. 
3. They found her dead. 

Here is what I've heard but that I cannot verify:
1. There was a note found in the car. 

Now I know I few things about her because I was her roommate but I will not go into detail. Privacy is very important. I don't know the facts surrounding her death but the stigma surronding suicide is still important to talk about. 

I do want to say a few things about Kimber though because she was an amazing human being. 

I did not know her very well but we got along great. She used to draw and she showed me a few of her sketches and I thought they were fantastic. She was witty and goofy, which was awesome. She moved into the house after her grandmother died. She used to tell me stories about her grandma and she always used her "grandma voice", it was funny. She was great to be around. I know that she was a musician too and though I only ever heard her online, she was really talented. Even though we didn't keep in touch after she moved out, I still wondered about her every once in a while. I sometimes asked my good friend Kali about her because they were cousins. I know that she is missed by so many, including me. She really was a wonderful person. I'm keeping her family in my prayers.


P.S. Mental illness is not a joke. 

Saturday, October 3, 2015

New job, Fitness, and Comics

Stress level: Medium

The past couple of days have been stressful but I absolutely love my new job. It is SO awesome. That's where I am right now. I am on my break. I'm working with mentally ill people that are transitioning from being in the hospital to being on their own. I can't say much about the clients, obviously, so I'll leave it at that. 
I'm stressing about my brother finding a job because I cannot provide for him and myself, it just doesn't work. I'm desperately looking for a second job so that I can get along better. 
My coworkers are really cool. We are all pretty mature and can have awesome discussions without offending each other. Too many people get too intense about things so I'm glad I work with chill people. I've only met a few so far but I'm hoping that everyone else is just as cool. 

I read Ultimate Captain America and it was awesome once I was able to put myself in the mindset of the ultimate universe instead of the normal one. I'm probably going to read Marvel Zombies next or maybe Ultimate Avengers. 

So things are pretty good but I still have this underlying stress that is kind of like a weight on a subconscious level. Even when I'm not thinking about it, I can still feel it. I hope that makes sense. I pretty much always feel that way, but sometimes it's worse, like now. 

Last night I exercised and something weird happened... I liked it. How weird is that? Today I am excited to go home so that I can exercise more. It's like it can feel myself getting stronger. I'm doing a 30 day challenge on Wii Fit Active. It is just so cool. Maybe I just had to find the right kind of exercise. The thing with Wii Fit Active is that it tells you in detail what to do and it tells you if you are doing it wrong. I just love it. 
Anyways guys! I'm going to read comics now. I promise to update soon!


Friday, September 25, 2015

Comic Con and an Accident

Anxiety Level: As high as Superman can fly. 

So these past two days have been comic con and its been amazing. It's soul crushing that I won't be able to see Chris Evans, also Hayley Atwell and Anthony Mackie. I wasn't able to afford any kind of photo op or autograph and I don't get to see the panel tomorrow. I feel like I had a lot of wasted excitement. It's still awesome that they all came though, it gives me hope for another chance someday. I DID get to see Sebastian Stan today though. I went to the Sean Astin panel and it was super awesome. Since Sebastian Stan was right after Sean I got a great seat to see him! I loved it. So much. I fan girled so hard, I definitely hyperventilated a little bit and I screamed my head off (at the appropriate moments of course). It was an AMAZING experience. I got to see my favorite twins ever yesterday too!! It was fantastic!!! There are really no words to describe my excitement and happiness during those panels and I was pretty hyped up afterwards too. I'm all hyped up now but in a different way and for a different reason. 
After Comic Con I witnessed something terrible. A trax accident with a car. It was terrifying. A Jeep ran a red light and as soon as I saw the trax coming I knew that it wasn't going to make it through the intersection. Sparks flew from the point where the front of the trax hit the back of the jeep. I watched as the rear of the car swing around clockwise from the impact, The car disappeared from sight as the train came to a stop. At first I was just shocked, if I could've see myself from the outside I would bet that my mouth was hanging wide open, it was like everything stopped and time had slowed. After the initial shock I was really worried and I immediately said that we needed to call 911. My phone was at 1% battery so I suggested, more like ordered, that my friend use his phone. He dialed quickly and handed the phone to my mom. I still called on my phone but hung up as soon as my mom got in contact. She was the first one to contact. We were stopped at the red light that the car had ran and I just stayed there. My mom had been driving and she hopped out to see if they were okay. She told me to get in the drivers seat while she checked it out. The UTA police were quick. One was there within a minute or two. Since we were on the opposite side of the Trax, I didn't know what was going on with the car, I wanted to run and see if I could help somehow but my mom had already done that. I really wanted to know if the people were okay. I had no idea what to do so I just stayed in that spot on the road for what felt like forever. Another police car came up eventually and told us to turn right and we went around to the other side of the Trax and I got my mom. She said that they were all ok and that there was a baby in the back seat but that the car seat was on the opposite side that was hit. I was so glad that everyone is okay but I'm still shaken up. 

Well that was my day.