Thursday, July 30, 2015

Anxiety is like a Dalek AKA it sucks

So here is my second post. I'm going to try to not worry about grammar and sounding like I'm a good writer because that defeats the purpose of this blog. No worries. If you don't watch 

 A shot from Doctor Who of a painting of the Time War
entitled "Gallifrey Falls" or "No More"
(Season 7 Episode 15)
It's like the time war in Doctor Who. It is absolute chaos; My rational thoughts are like the Time Lords and the irrational thoughts are the Daleks. I literally feel like "No More" or even "Emily Falls". My brain feels like it is running a million miles a minute, is the color black, and is in tangles. It's like chaos going on inside my head. The problem is, no one can see it. All I can say is "I'm freaking out" or "I'm having anxiety" and people just don't get it.

People will say things like:
"Calm down."
"I don't get why you're having anxiety."
"There is nothing to freak out about."
"Why are you having anxiety?"
"It'll be okay, just do it."
"Just stop having anxiety".

It doesn't work like that. Anxiety is an absolute Dalek. Do people think I like being anxious? If I could fix my self I could. I read an article recently about anxiety that said something like... Don't tell us our anxieties aren't real, it makes us feel like we are broken... Broken. That is a perfect word to describe it. It's like there is something wrong with me that I can't fix. I am broken. When someone challenges my anxieties, or minimize it I always think... Yeah I should be able to stop, but I can't. What the heck is wrong with me?... 

When you feel like there is something wrong with you it makes you depressed. This happens to me a lot. It's like a cycle. When I am feeling anxious about something and someone pretty much tells me to suck it up, I feel like I can't, I feel hopeless, I feel like there is something wrong with me and that makes me sad and depressed. The depression leads to me not wanting to leave or go anywhere and then my friends will be mad or disappointed in me for not wanting to hang out.

When I get to this point I usually binge watch Netflix and it's usually Doctor Who that I watch. Matt Smith is my favorite Doctor by far. He is so funny and his personality is similar to mine when I act normal. I get so lost in the story and laugh at the silliness and it just makes me so happy and makes me feel hopeful again. What helps the most with Doctor Who is when I relate it to my real life or at least make references to it. I'll definitely wish that the Doctor could take me away in the TARDIS to give me extra time to do my homework; he could take me away to the most peaceful place in the universe, no matter what he would make sure that I was okay. This is why when people insult my geeky obsessions I get so offended, because it helps me so much.

Even writing about Doctor Who is making me happier.

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