Friday, December 1, 2017

My Serious Mental Breakdown

Anxiety level: High
Last night I had a really terrible breakdown. It was probablythe worst panic attack I’ve ever had. I kept banging my head against the bookcase until there were huge bumps. There were a bunch of DVD’s and VHS’s and I just shoved them off the shelf. I’m not sure why, I just felt like I had to. It was like reflex almost. After that I just froze. I couldn’t move. I was holding on to my pjs really tight and was just staring and this VHS. I was barely breathing and I really wanted to stop breathing. I remember really hoping someone would find me and help me. I thought about choking myself but knew that wouldn’t work. I just held my breath for a bit. I took the cord to my headset and tied it around my neck. I knew that wouldn’t work because I’d tried it before. I had only got it to work once and that was the first time I ever attempted suicide. My brother walked in on me. The problem with tying something around your neck is you have to tie it really tight and even then, the cord can slip and it doesn’t work. Eventually I just froze again. I held onto my Batman pj bottoms really tight and rocked myself. I went back to staring at the one VHS and eventually I started crying really hard. I could barely talk. I really needed it to stop. I started crying for help. It was really quiet at first because I was crying so hard but I was able to get louder eventually and my mom and brother found me and helped calm me down. My mom was able to get me up even though I told her I couldn’t move. And walked me to her bed and held me and rocked me like a baby while my brother was hugging me. I tried to tell her I had bumps on my head but she couldn’t understand me for a while. She asked my brother if he could understand me but he couldn’t either. I tried to say it more clearly and eventually she understood me. I had boogers all over my face from crying and I tried to tell my mom and she understood me a little quicker that time. She got me a tissue but I told her I couldn’t move so she wiped them for me. I felt like a baby so I told my mom. She said yes you’re my baby. I said no I am a baby. She said sometimes we are but it’s ok and sometimes it even happens to her. I said ok and felt better about it. Somewhere in the middle of this I stopped crying altogether. When I was calm enough, she got me to lie down and cuddled me. I wanted cereal so my brother got me some. He got me more when I was done and wanted more. When I was done I wanted my blanket that was in the other room so I went and got it and snuggled it. It was really comforting to snuggle my blanket just like it was comforting for my mom to rock me and brother to hug me. I eventually fell asleep. I slept from 1am to 3pm. I had a super vivid dream that was a crossbow between Life is Strange and Assassin’s Creed, only it was with Marvel superheroes.
-Emily