Monday, March 19, 2018

Laura Martinez and more depression

Anxiety Level: High
I was called by my old roommate’s boyfriend about a router that someone accidentally packed. He is 17 years old and she is 19. Or maybe he’s 18 and she’s 20 now. I don’t know for sure. They way they met was creepy. He was a client at the place where she worked. Apparently they didn’t overlap for long but I don’t really know for sure. I was okay with that before I realized that her work was either for teens with mental illnesses or addictions or maybe troubled teens; I just know it’s mental health related. I was troubled by it after that. Anyways...

I was supposed to send the router I while back but I didn’t have any money and my brain didn’t prioritize it anyways. He told me to get a job and pay for it, I was sarcastic back with him and said “Ok, I’ll get a job, but it’ll be a few weeks before I’ll get any money for it.” He said he didn’t care if I had to mow someone’s lawn to get $20. But I don’t really know about that... I mean there’s snow on the ground. He also said to ask my parents since they pay for everything else. That stung. I’m trying to work on building confidence in myself even though I can’t do what other people can do, like work. Usually I would say “what normal people can do”... but no more. I told him toward the beginning of the conversation that I would send it. I also said I didn’t care that much. Laura Martinez hurt me so bad that I almost killed myself, there were other things involved but she was a huge part of that. I have a lot of spite built up for her because of it. It hurts even thinking about it. She used to be nice until she wanted me to get rid of one of my cats so she can get a dog but I refused to obviously. After that she was really mean. I tried to sound amused while on the phone with Daniel. I had already told him I’d send it but he kept going off at me. I guess I was a little amused since he was so effected by everything I said. He asked why I was laughing (I wasn’t actually laughing though), and kept going off on me.  At some point I called Laura a bitch, he was pissed. I kept saying it over and over because I was so angry and it felt good to say at the time. Eventually he hung up on me, which is kind of what I wanted. I had so much spite and I knew it’d be hard to stop. I feel bad now. I don’t get angry very easily. I’m normally a really patient person, but a few things set me off. I have a strong sense of justice. When someone has really really wronged me like Laura Martinez, I get passionate. When I’m passionate, I can get actually angry.

I called tds and they are sending me a box to send the router back it for free. It’ll be here in a few days. Besides all of this, I am really struggling. My grandma is moving to St. Louis and I’m broken up about it. I love her so much and I originally was going to move up here to be closer to her. She said it’s hard to be here with my parents getting divorced. She’s broken-hearted. The divorce has been hard on me too because of the things involved. I’m hurting really bad. I’ve been so depressed. I’ve just been randomly crying. Sometimes I don’t even know what I’m crying about. I’m just really hurting. My anxiety is getting worse too. I have a whole new amount of anxiety when I have a job but right now I feel like I have that same higher level even though I don’t have a job. This really sucks. I just want it to stop.

I saw my grandma and some cousins the other day and I felt like I was just existing while everyone was joking around. I faked some smiles and had a few genuine ones too. I almost started crying when I hugged my grandma. I’m gonna miss her so much. She’s part of my strength. I’m glad I can at least call her. I’m crying again. I want to go back to just existing but I know this is good for me. I hope it’ll help me feel better later. I know journaling can be therapeutic and that’s basically what I’m doing. My head it starting to hurt. That’s what usually happens when I crying really hard.

I called Laura’s phone back and apologized for being rude just after I called tds. I also told her how they’re sending me a box and all of that. She didn’t say she forgave me but at least she thanked me. I have so much spite for her but I still felt bad about being rude. I try to be forgiving but it’s really hard when someone has hurt you so bad. That’s why I have a hate list of exactly 4 people. They have all done things that have effected be in a really bad way and still effect me now. I believe I can forgive them someday, it’s just really hard to. I’ll keep working on it. I’m not crying anymore but my eyes hurt.
I guess that’s it.

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